I tend to be an unintentional
"stuffer." When life gets crazy, my mind resolves to protect itself
by channeling Scarlett O'Hara's thought process of, "I can't think about that right
now. If I do, I'll go crazy. I'll think about that tomorrow." I realized this morning that is exactly what's happened. Again.
On the drive in this morning, Mr. T
and I processed a bit more about adoption day and our upcoming life together.
He's excited, he's ready, but he's also mourning. Some of this is mourning the
loss of his past life and some of it is mourning the unmet expectations he
built about what his life would look like once he found a forever family.
My boy is a talker but spent most of
the 1hr car ride in silence. Once at day camp, I pulled the morning counselor
aside and gently shared our situation so they could be aware of his inner
battle over the next few weeks. She was so glad I'd shared because
they had noticed he seemed more stressed and argumentative about trivial things.
She told me she would discretely share with the other counselors, with my
permission, so they could give him their fullest support, understanding, and
encouragement.
I know my facial
expression changed because suddenly she said, "Do you need a hug?" As
we hugged briefly, tears filled my eyes and I realized our little talk had unlocked
my many emotions...I've been stuffing. Life is just coming at me so fast that I’ve not had the
bandwidth to deal with my own “everything.” My children have huge stuff and there's way too much going on at my job. I have almost zero alone time and my body is warning me I’m not doing well...ugh! I’m super excited
about the adoption and super raw. I know deep down we are really doing
great…my kids are dealing and as counselors in the past have shared…dealing is
good…we worry more when they are not dealing with stuff. So really, it’s ME
that’s the worry…because I’ve not been dealing. I don't even know when I can deal...to say that being an introverted, adoptive single mom is no picnic = understatement.
"She had not known the weight until she felt the freedom." - The Scarlet Letter
So I'm sharing mostly as a way to
get open, get free and get on that “dealing” and “healing” path I need to seriously start walking down...for my own health and sanity. I didn't even realize until this morning's little emotional release time how weighed down I was feeling.