Writers Block - Working Through My Cat's Passing (RIP Sunny)

I find myself wanting to write. I look for things to inspire me. Why is nothing happening? Well, because the things I need to write about and work through are not subjects I feel I'm ready to delve into at the moment. A large subject is that I just had to make an end of life decision for my beloved cat, Sunny. I need to deal with the heartache, the visions of seeing her being put to sleep, and take time to deal with the guilt I'm feeling instead of the truth that I was being a good, loving pet owner.

So let's walk through it:

1. Heartache. I miss my little one. The Grief Recovery Handbook, which I highly recommend, is a good book about the subject of loss and grief. From going through it before, I know it's okay to miss her. She was special and a part of my life for almost 12 years! That's longer than most friends stay in our life before life moves them on in one way or another.

2. Ugh, my visual memory. This is a nightmare for me because I'm so visual that memories can haunt me. I'm haunted by the memory of the end of life. Although it was peaceful, it hurts my heart. I need to instead, make my mind focus on something different when I have flashbacks. Right after, when my daughter and I were leaving the vet, it began to rain. I found that comforting and freeing. I stood in the rain and took in that moment. My little Sunny cat was free from her suffering. My daughter and I both love it when it rains. It was a short rain shower. In fact, it had stopped by the time we got home and the sun came out but that rain shower was so beautiful that I think that's what I want to focus on visually instead.

3. Guilt. I read that guilt is anger turned inward. Am I mad at myself? Maybe. I'll have to explore that more in time. Right now, since it's only been a month ago this is all I can handle.

When my dog passed away...welp, there it is...returning to #3. I feel guilty because I had to make the decision when instead, I need to view the whole circumstance as her passing away. Not at my hand but because it was truly time. I'm going to have to chew on that one.

Anyway, when my dog passed away, I wrote her a letter sharing what a special dog she was to me. I need to do that for Sunny too.

Dear Sunny aka Sun-bun, 
I have been reviewing our time together and have discovered some things I want to tell you. I apologize for any times I didn't play with you when you needed attention and I apologize for noticing a bit of weight loss prior to my Philly trip but not taking you to the vet right away. I forgive you for the messes on the carpet. They remind me of how sick you were and I wish I could clean them up instead of thinking of you each time. I apologize for thinking that way. I apologize for acting like everything was okay when I was taking you to vet the last time. I wanted you to be peaceful and not worried because I love you. I want you to know you were the best cat and most people's favorite. You were full of life, frisky and affectionate. I want you to know that I love you, miss you and Trickle misses you too. Manna also misses you. I want you to know that the rain storm was beautiful and the kids miss playing with you. Sunny, I want you to know that there is no replacing you and my life was richer having you in it daily. I gotta go now but I love and miss you. Goodbye. Your cat mama Amy

A Different Kind of Gratitude List

Gentle Reflection

Most of us are continuously on the move. We are looking ahead to the next project, the next trip, or the next event. Today spend some time reflecting instead upon your past. This gentle reflection is not to look over moments you feel you should have made different decisions but to instead celebrate your decisions of courage!

Do you view yourself as courageous? When do we ever pencil in time to celebrate the good choices or thank ourselves for looking at a crossroad and deciding to walk the bolder path? This idea came from the David Whyte event I just attended because he spoke about thanking the ancestor of yourself. Below is an example of my time with this gratitude list.

The practice:

• Find a quiet moment in your day of at least 30 minutes
• Spend 5 minutes to reflect and write 5 positive decisions that were life changing 
• Afterwards, take your list and spend 5 minutes or so reflecting on each great decision/situation then extend yourself some gratitude. Consider writing yourself a little note to make this activity a bit more impacting. 

Example: In my snug, the house is quiet, the kids are gone for a few hours - my list

1. Returning to college to get my degree
2. Solo travel to Iceland
3. Adopting 
4. Deciding to cling to Jesus
5. *private decision

Here are two examples of notes I wrote to myself.

Dear me (I used my actual name), Even though you were already working in your career field, you took an opportunity given to you in the form of a pop-up ad and within a week started back as a college student. You finished your BA a few years later. Having a degree made a big difference in your life and really showed that you finish what you start. Thank you for being courageous, for putting in those long hours, and for making it happen. 

Dear me, You go after knocking things off your childhood dream list but that solo trip to Iceland took the cake! You were adventurous, resolute, and came back changed. You made great decisions to move towards self-care and to stop waiting for life to happen. Thank you for not backing out on that trip.

This is a different kind of gratitude list for sure because we don't usually take time to thank ourselves or acknowledge our greatest decisions. I hope you'll consider it though. I found it to be uplifting! 

The Dawning - A Weekend Away & David Whyte Poetry Event

"Lorena"
Alone on a highway in the early morning hours,
sunroof open to gifts given for a moment,
A single raindrop falls through onto my forearm.
I let it sit there by freckles, soaking in,
then with the smallest brush of my index finger
 all its history becomes a part of mine. 

Last weekend I traveled to Austin on a solo trip to see one of my favorite poet/philosophers, David Whyte. I wrote "Lorena" on the drive home. I had a fantastic weekend of adventure (including the Elisabet Nay sculpture museum) and wanted to share some key wisdom I carried home. 

• Hearing poetry spoken in front of you by the artist is a gift of a lifetime. I cried. Others throughout the crowd also wept. Hearts that are open to poetry are a community I love. Hearing a poet share the background of what inspired the poem is priceless.
  
• The strategic mind is meant to keep us off balance. It doesn't have the competence to keep you happy. It's job is survival. Pursue the creative mind and give the strategic mind a break. Let there be an "un-doing." Remember your great to-do list was created by the person you were yesterday. Each morning is an opportunity for re-imagining.
  
• It is okay to fall just fall in the right direction.
  
• The privilege of friendship lies in witness.
  
• My favorite new poems of his are "Cleave" and "To Break A Promise." Along with Cleave he spoke about how we are born saying goodbye to what we love. Newborns lament and at each new "birth" in our lives it's natural to do the same. To cleave is both to split and to stick fast to. With the other poem he spoke about how we are not taught how to break a promise...but there are times when previous promises need to be broken. Seasons change and sometimes, if we are honest, to keep an old promise can become no longer healthy for either person.
  
• Be an ancestor to yourself. Reflect on moments in your life when you took a courageous step and thank the you of that moment. Be grateful because it lead you to the moments of your now. I am currently revisiting those moments in my life and may post about it in the future. This weekend will probably become one of those ancestral moments of my life. 

Quick Front Door Makeover

The front door of my place was ugly. It seems a previous owner had caulked around the windows and it collected dirt and grim that would not go away. So I decided the whole entry way needed a quick face lift! The color is called "Mink" and I'm so pleased. :)

I highly recommend these magnetic wreath holders
instead of the over the door one I had previously. 

A Busy Morning of Nothing

Coffee and cozy in my snug. 

Listening to birds chirp as neon, baby green leaves have begun to camo my home again for the Spring. I rest watching a busy mockingbird bound across the lawn with a beak full of freshly cut twigs gambling on if it can add just one more in its mouth. This ambitious bird has a huge dream-nest vision and visits a few times.

After its final launch, a salsa cardinal lands on my fence and calls out to his love who is grooming while balancing the electrical line above. The morning is busy with activity...and I'm so thankful to be a bystander.

Are You A Seeker?

Photo from: https://www.intelligenthq.com/10-inspiring-quotes-by-jason-silva/

Seeker - noun; A person who is attempting to find or obtain something. One that seeks to discover, inquire, endeavor.

I've always been a seeker. I want to know people, their perspectives and their experiences. Lately, I've begun enjoying new speakers and philosophers like Sadhguru, often referred to as an Indian Yogi, and Gaur Gopal Das, the former Hewlett Packard engineer turned Indian lifestyle coach and motivational speaker. Thanks to my new Google mini, I've been connecting to a larger source of outside news and science reports as I get ready for work in the morning.

I've been reflecting a ton on a recent short segment I heard from, "Curiosity Daily." The segment in this link shared about how our human networks changes how we think. Basically, the people we surround ourselves with modify how we see the world. As a result, if we are only getting our information or news from our immediate social network, then we are getting a slanted view.

Yesterday, I came across an interview video of storyteller and futurist, Jason Silva, by Vishen Lakhiani. I enjoy listening to these deep thinkers talk, share, and provide their different perspectives. One true quote I heard was that, "once a mind is stretch by an idea, it never returns to it's original position." Seekers like to have their minds stretched. I don't always agree but I'm inspired quite often to reach outside myself and my immediate social group to experience a richer thought life.

In the interview, they spoke about many topics that are worth a listen:

• Nationalism
• Socialism verses social democracy
• Being a "Wonder Junkie"
• The Search 
• Flow and humans as "infovours"
• The Venn diagram - science and art intersecting in wonder

You may ask yourself, "But should a Christina listen to views that maybe opposite of what they currently believe?" The answer is yes. Don't just stay around a specific social network all the time. Learn about people. Learn about how they think. Stop being so scared. When you are open to others' thoughts and experiences, often they are open to you and what you share.

Photo from: https://www.tumblr.com/search/open%20minded%20quote

Escape to Philly

In March, I had a work trip to Philadelphia. Below are my journal musings and some photos.

" March 3, 2019
After much bustle in travel yesterday, it's lovely to sit here in this Queen Village coach house listening to only the hum of the oldest working General Electric fridge I've ever seen. Earl grey tea and mango. It is a bright, sunny day although only 38 degrees. Thee was a light snowfall yesterday evening. Not enough to stick but enough to bring me to smile. The coach house is small, narrow with a winding staircase up all three floors. The house pops as it warms. A large, old map of Pennsylvania hangs proudly above my modern black leather couch and cork coffee table. The brick wall up the east side all the way through is amazing and adds charm and character. I must touch it often for grounding. I love the red rugs and stained glass hanging for privacy. The bedroom is bright with a cubby bed to snuggle in - we've made a date for a nap later today. I don't want to venture out. I want to be this home's aptive today. Balm for the noise and errors in my life. I shed tears watching, "Saving Mr. Banks" as now I am the adult Mary Poppins comes to save. Ah me....

I picked up some snacks from a grocery a block away and ordered a pepperoni stromboli from a pizza place - local - just a block the opposite direction. It's HUGE and will be what I eat while here for sure. I plan to do some yoga stretches later because I'm stiff from travel and the weight of life.

This bed is a young country girl's dream! Soft, warm, plush and simple. I'd line the shelves built in with all my favorite books to comfort me if it was mine to have forever. Now to read & nap.

The next afternoon...I passed up porcupine quill earrings today. Oh, adulting. Went to a french dinner last night. Walter was the waiter. I had a lamb burger and the best dessert crepe with sea salt caramel ever! My crown and coke's were also some of the best."