Writers Block - Working Through My Cat's Passing (RIP Sunny)

I find myself wanting to write. I look for things to inspire me. Why is nothing happening? Well, because the things I need to write about and work through are not subjects I feel I'm ready to delve into at the moment. A large subject is that I just had to make an end of life decision for my beloved cat, Sunny. I need to deal with the heartache, the visions of seeing her being put to sleep, and take time to deal with the guilt I'm feeling instead of the truth that I was being a good, loving pet owner.

So let's walk through it:

1. Heartache. I miss my little one. The Grief Recovery Handbook, which I highly recommend, is a good book about the subject of loss and grief. From going through it before, I know it's okay to miss her. She was special and a part of my life for almost 12 years! That's longer than most friends stay in our life before life moves them on in one way or another.

2. Ugh, my visual memory. This is a nightmare for me because I'm so visual that memories can haunt me. I'm haunted by the memory of the end of life. Although it was peaceful, it hurts my heart. I need to instead, make my mind focus on something different when I have flashbacks. Right after, when my daughter and I were leaving the vet, it began to rain. I found that comforting and freeing. I stood in the rain and took in that moment. My little Sunny cat was free from her suffering. My daughter and I both love it when it rains. It was a short rain shower. In fact, it had stopped by the time we got home and the sun came out but that rain shower was so beautiful that I think that's what I want to focus on visually instead.

3. Guilt. I read that guilt is anger turned inward. Am I mad at myself? Maybe. I'll have to explore that more in time. Right now, since it's only been a month ago this is all I can handle.

When my dog passed away...welp, there it is...returning to #3. I feel guilty because I had to make the decision when instead, I need to view the whole circumstance as her passing away. Not at my hand but because it was truly time. I'm going to have to chew on that one.

Anyway, when my dog passed away, I wrote her a letter sharing what a special dog she was to me. I need to do that for Sunny too.

Dear Sunny aka Sun-bun, 
I have been reviewing our time together and have discovered some things I want to tell you. I apologize for any times I didn't play with you when you needed attention and I apologize for noticing a bit of weight loss prior to my Philly trip but not taking you to the vet right away. I forgive you for the messes on the carpet. They remind me of how sick you were and I wish I could clean them up instead of thinking of you each time. I apologize for thinking that way. I apologize for acting like everything was okay when I was taking you to vet the last time. I wanted you to be peaceful and not worried because I love you. I want you to know you were the best cat and most people's favorite. You were full of life, frisky and affectionate. I want you to know that I love you, miss you and Trickle misses you too. Manna also misses you. I want you to know that the rain storm was beautiful and the kids miss playing with you. Sunny, I want you to know that there is no replacing you and my life was richer having you in it daily. I gotta go now but I love and miss you. Goodbye. Your cat mama Amy