Shock and disbelief.
I hate sudden change, especially sudden death. There is something about that which seems unreal. I was probably in shock most of the day but in the pandemic life right now, I don't have the luxury of putting everything on hold to grieve.
Fortunately, I've done A LOT of emotional work on grieving with the passing of other animals. At night is the hardest time for me because that routine is when I would care, play and cuddle with Manna the most. I pick up his ashes tomorrow, which will be hard and every time I look at the cat tower and see the box he used to sleep in, my heart aches.
With every loss, I always refer back to a book that teaches all the things we never learn as children about loss and grieving, The Grief Recovery Handbook. This book guided me through my previous losses and opened my eyes to the fact that death is not the only loss we experience. Loss visits us in hundreds of ways.
Anyway, as always, I go through writing a little letter to my pets when they pass. They contain three elements: apologies, forgiveness, and "I want you to know" statements. This is very healing to my heart.
Dearest Manna,
I've been thinking about our time together all the way back from your kitten'hood and have some things to share. First, I apologize for not playing with you extra the night you passed away. Had I known, of course we would have played extra with the laser. I apologize for not taking extra time to pat you or kiss your sweet forehead. You have the softest fur on the planet, I swear. I apologize for letting the bird feeder stay on the ground so long instead of putting it up sooner for you to have fun and watch more birds. I forgive you for leaving so suddenly and for being the type of cat who often hid their illness. And of course, although easier for you, I forgive the fact that you died in my bed next to me with nothing I could do. Sorry for freaking out. I don't think there was a single thing you ever did that made me upset...well, maybe drooling on me when you were super comfy and I was patting you. Ha. I want you to know how much joy and laughter you brought into my life. You were playful as a kitten, scampering around with your zippy's when you got to run for the first time. You tried so hard to win Sunny and Trickle over, and finally did. You were Sunny's biggest companion and Trickle's largest comfort when she passed away. I want you to know that I miss you, fluffer-butt, and wish you weren't gone. Thank you for loving me, bringing me comfort, and teaching me so many valuable lessons on trust and gratitude. Rest well.
Love, me.