A Midlife Crisis

A Midlife Crisis. *ominous music* 

Ironically, most read those words and think of a middle aged man buying a fast car and dating a woman half his age but what few people discuss is that women have to hurdle middle age too. Disappointingly, there's not a ton of helpful articles for women on this topic and I know because I've needed them. This year, at age 44, I've been going through mine! You may wonder, "How did you first realize this was happening?" My friend, I could almost peg the exact month I realized this had hit me full force. (April 2018) You may then question, "Does everyone go through the same things?" No, but don't let that fool you. Just as it's hard to convince a teen of the brevity of life, it's hard to acknowledge that we might not soar through midlife like an eagle but I'm sharing because I don't want you to hit the mountain with a hard thud of confusion when you get here. "Maybe I will be the one completely prepared and unaffected," you say? Best of luck with that.

I'll go ahead and be a woman who will admit that middle age is tough. I have to do this for my daughter. She just walked in, saw what I was typing and said, "You are going through a midlife crisis?" I hugged her with a chuckle and said, "Yes, you didn't realize?" Actually, that makes sense because thinking back no one ever sat me down to prepare me that in my forties I'd come to the realization that I've probably lived over half my life. So what are the "symptoms"? Well, so far: My body aches in the morning, my memory slips more, I've made rash (horrible) decisions and I've felt rather blah except during those times, if you'll pardon my language, that I'm extremely pissed off (which is quite often and completely different from just feeling anger). I crave deep intelligent conversations but can't find anyone to have them with so I end up watching the same shows over, and over, and over again that inspire me. Honestly, I can barely get a date with a guy in their late 30's to 40's but this year twenty year old's are hitting on me like crazy!! (Which is tempting and stupid.) What are some others? Well I did find one list:

Article written by an author named Sherry:

Looking into the mirror and no longer recognize yourself.

Desiring to quit a good job.

Unexplained bouts of depression when doing tasks that used to make you happy.

Changing or investigating new religions, churches or new age philosophy.

Change of habits. Activities which used to bring pleasure now are boring.

Unable to complete or concentrate on tasks which used to be easy.

Wanting to run away from everything.

Irritability or unexpected anger.

Desire for physical movement (Running, Biking, Dance, Fast red sports cars, Sky diving, etc).

Sudden desire to learn how to play an instrument.

Sudden interest in drawing, painting, writing books or poetry.

Shifting sleep patterns (Typically to less).

Thinking about death, wondering about the nature of death.

Excessively buying new clothes and taking more time to look good.

Hair changes. (Natural changes in thickness, luster, color and desire to look younger)

A desire to surround yourself with different settings.

Hanging out with a different generation as their energy and ideas stimulate you.

Restarting things, which you dropped 20 years earlier.

Upset at where society is going. Experience a desire to change the world for the better.

Feeling trapped or tied down by fiscal responsibilities.

Leaving (Mentally or Physically) family or feeling trapped in current family relationships.

Desiring a simple life.

Excessively looking back to one’s childhood.

Keep re-asking yourself: “Where am I going with my life?”

Getting fixated on new “wonder” solutions to problems.

Doing things that get you into trouble when it surprises everyone as being out of character.

Someone unexpectedly exclaims: “You are going through a midlife crisis!”

Experiencing extreme stress: Changing Jobs, Divorce, Death of someone close

Life is weird at middle age so I've had to ask myself how am I going to deal with it and move through it? Time for a huge pep talk? Ugh, no. Time for acknowledging some honest feelings while hanging in there with much patience and self forgiveness. Recently, I came across this poem I shared before by David Walcott called Love after Love which encourages those things in me. These words remind me to love myself, be kind and patient with my middle-aged self, and know that this is NOT an unusual place to be...it's just that most people don't talk about it. But the time will come when you will experience the depths of this thing called midlife and then...

The time will come when, 

with elation 

you will greet yourself arriving at your own door, 

in your own mirror 

and each will smile at the other's welcome, and say, sit here. Eat.

You will love again the stranger who was your self.

Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart 

to itself, to the stranger who has loved you all your life, 

whom you ignored for another, 

who knows you by heart. 

 

Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes, 

peel your own image from the mirror. 

Sit. Feast on your life.

- Love After Love

 

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If you like poetry and contemplative works, I highly recommend David Whyte's, Midlife and the Great Unknown: Finding Courage and Clarity Through Poetry. His deep, calm voice uses bits of poetry and personal story which has inspired me and comforted.

Self Care Gift Box - Introverts Retreat

I've decided to help my self care by purchasing monthly gift boxes with self care items. I highly recommend it since you can subscribe and then the just pop up at your door. Personally, I love the Introverts Retreat. Just thought I'd share my favorite.

Introverts Retreat - "Making a little alone-time retreat is one of the best ways for introverted women to turn away from a busy world filled with too much human interaction. After a long day, week, or weekend of people-ing, sometimes the best thing ever is just sitting down with a new book and filling your time some good ol’ pampering. If this sounds like the perfect retreat, then we are the box for you! Every month, we personally curate our boxes with introverted women in mind, and we are constantly looking for new items to help bring on the peace and quiet."

Sample of one I received

à la mort

Kou Art

I am uninspired lately; almost lifeless. Life is so hectic, not with things I truly enjoy though, it feels dull. I've not been in such a place in a lustrum. I don't have the energy to brighten myself. I push forward, like a tired jouster. I know the routine; I drag along. Why talk? No reason to engage. I'm licking wounds and repenting.

Isaiah 1:18 The Voice (VOICE)

Come on now, let’s walk and talk; let’s work this out.
        Your wrongdoings are bloodred,
    But they can turn as white as snow.
        Your sins are red like crimson,
    But they can be made clean again like new wool.

What Does Support Look Like?

sup·port (verb)

1. to bear all or part of the weight; hold up 
2. give assistance to; enable to function or act

Have you ever taken the time to consider what support looks like to YOU as an individual? We may assume that everyone feels supported by the same things, and although some might be universal, other support actions may not be as intuitive.

But before getting into the exercise, why is developing a strong support system so vital? Mayo Clinic writes, "Several studies have demonstrated that having a network of supportive relationships contributes to psychological well-being. When you have a social support network, you benefit in the following ways:

• Sense of belonging. Spending time with people helps ward off loneliness. Whether it's other new parents, dog lovers, fishing buddies or siblings, just knowing you're not alone can go a long way toward coping with stress.
• Increased sense of self-worth. Having people who call you a friend reinforces the idea that you're a good person to be around.
• Feeling of security. Your social network gives you access to information, advice, guidance and other types of assistance should you need them. It's comforting to know that you have people you can turn to in a time of need."

So support systems are important but how can people effectively show you support if you've never thought deeply about what support looks like to you? And honestly, how can you truly be a support to someone else if you are basing the support you provide solely on what you "think" would make the other person feel supported? Deep stuff. 

Below is a copy of my answers to the exercise. I took 5 minutes and tried not to over-think, too much. HA. I hope to be able to find out what "support looks like" to my family and friends too! For me, the most surprising things that came to mind were: thoughtful questions (you know, those that dig deeper than 'how are you doing?') soft voices, sitting together in silence, and inside jokes. 

Support systems are grounding and uplifting at the same time however, how we individually feel supported by those around us can be different. I hope you'll take 5 minutes today, or over the weekend, to do this little mental health exercise too. As poet, Thomas Merton once said, "We cannot be ourselves unless we know ourselves." :)

The Cell Block

For my birthday this year, I stayed in a unique place called the Cell Block. I looked at scriptures about Joseph and Paul while meditating on what it is like to keep your faith in hard times and isolation. Deep Stuff.

ACTS 16: 25-26

 

Creative Background

Picture my son created when I told him about my blog's title being "Silver Trumpets" due to the scripture of trumpets being blown to call a community together. <3

Envelope Doodles

People feel special when they get mail and I like to make the surprise even cuter by drawing pictures on them. I hope to make some mail carriers smile too. Here are some that I've drawn.

Secrets vs Privacy

All human beings have three lives: public, private, and secret.
- Gabriel García Márquez

I took for granted that my teens knew the difference between secrets and privacy. I didn't realize it until today when my son was joking as he went to talk to a doctor and said, "Sorry Mom, I'm going to go tell her all my secrets now," to which this wise woman replied, "There's a difference between secrets and privacy.

Keeping secrets are often an act of not disclosing something that causes us pain or we believe is shameful. I realized my son might be fuzzy on the difference between secrets and privacy because kids who have spent time in foster care don't get much privacy. I've seen them be secretive because they feel shame about their situation. Some keep secrets about who they are because they've felt like something was wrong with them. They can keep their feelings, personality or situations that took place a secret so they don't feel more rejection if someone disagrees or disapproves. They can become almost sweet con artists...hustling to be loved and trying to fit what they think you'd want in a kid so they can feel belonging. Or they may become their worst selves so they can push you away and not risk more pain. Secrets. We all know kids have a natural bent toward keeping secrets so just imagine being thrown into a world of change and dismissal! 

However, privacy is withholding from public view. Private matters give some insight into the revealer if shared, but don't usually have shame or guilt attached. These can be personal held beliefs, ideas, and their physical self. On the website, Wired, one article stated well why kids struggle to obtain privacy, "Many teens feel as though they’re in a no-win situation when it comes to sharing information: damned if they publish their personal thoughts to public spaces, and damned if they create private space that parents can’t see." 

I want to make sure my teens know the difference between secrets and privacy. Also that I'm giving them the privacy and respect they need from me for their personal and psychological space. I was doing some research online and found some good points. Check out a few practical ways to respect your teen's privacy and show them that privacy is positive and secrets are different: 

• knocking before going into their room
• give them ample time alone in their room to unwind if they need it
• ask before looking in or getting things out of their school bag/room
• ask your child if they want you to be in the room when they see the doctor
• no eavesdropping their calls or at their door
• limit friending them on social media apps
• consider putting a lock on their bathroom door
• don't read their private journal - most teens just need a place to vent and writing helps some work out problems

Giving privacy reminds them you are trusting them to make good decisions.