Secrets vs Privacy

All human beings have three lives: public, private, and secret.
- Gabriel García Márquez

I took for granted that my teens knew the difference between secrets and privacy. I didn't realize it until today when my son was joking as he went to talk to a doctor and said, "Sorry Mom, I'm going to go tell her all my secrets now," to which this wise woman replied, "There's a difference between secrets and privacy.

Keeping secrets are often an act of not disclosing something that causes us pain or we believe is shameful. I realized my son might be fuzzy on the difference between secrets and privacy because kids who have spent time in foster care don't get much privacy. I've seen them be secretive because they feel shame about their situation. Some keep secrets about who they are because they've felt like something was wrong with them. They can keep their feelings, personality or situations that took place a secret so they don't feel more rejection if someone disagrees or disapproves. They can become almost sweet con artists...hustling to be loved and trying to fit what they think you'd want in a kid so they can feel belonging. Or they may become their worst selves so they can push you away and not risk more pain. Secrets. We all know kids have a natural bent toward keeping secrets so just imagine being thrown into a world of change and dismissal! 

However, privacy is withholding from public view. Private matters give some insight into the revealer if shared, but don't usually have shame or guilt attached. These can be personal held beliefs, ideas, and their physical self. On the website, Wired, one article stated well why kids struggle to obtain privacy, "Many teens feel as though they’re in a no-win situation when it comes to sharing information: damned if they publish their personal thoughts to public spaces, and damned if they create private space that parents can’t see." 

I want to make sure my teens know the difference between secrets and privacy. Also that I'm giving them the privacy and respect they need from me for their personal and psychological space. I was doing some research online and found some good points. Check out a few practical ways to respect your teen's privacy and show them that privacy is positive and secrets are different: 

• knocking before going into their room
• give them ample time alone in their room to unwind if they need it
• ask before looking in or getting things out of their school bag/room
• ask your child if they want you to be in the room when they see the doctor
• no eavesdropping their calls or at their door
• limit friending them on social media apps
• consider putting a lock on their bathroom door
• don't read their private journal - most teens just need a place to vent and writing helps some work out problems

Giving privacy reminds them you are trusting them to make good decisions.